There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
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So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
God has abandoned us.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway