I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before