interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
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Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]