This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
6: are snakes just neck?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.