Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
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DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one