when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
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“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff