I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
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Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Not my job 😂
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.