I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
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The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.