Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
what’s the point then??
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Me redecorating every room in my mind
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.