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Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
bad news gang
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like