My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
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I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.