Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
don’t we all
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.