I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
You Might Also Like
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!