Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
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Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen