Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.