Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted