Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
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I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”