REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
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me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
a badder mouse
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?