*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
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I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no