[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
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My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Hey i am sexy to you now
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*limbos away from your hug*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?