Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another