I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
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If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
*updates tinder bio*
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.