If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
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Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
How do you like your Corgi?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.