Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?