I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.