You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Bobby pin
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax