Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
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Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.