me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
You Might Also Like
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.