Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
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[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I told my vodka about you.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My safe word is Worcestershire
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.