A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
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Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
*weighs self after shaving
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Who.
Did.
This?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Noah was an idiot.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives