Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
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DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me