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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
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How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!