Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
You Might Also Like
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social