#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
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Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?