Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
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If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.