Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.