“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I’m calling the cops.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.