“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.