my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright