You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
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11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers