oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
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[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him