I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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good work, everybody
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.