I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
You Might Also Like
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again