My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
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Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.