Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.