it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
everyone has that one prude friend
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?