It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I am yelling
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
this chia pet tastes awful
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math