I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
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Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…