What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
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It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.