My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
You Might Also Like
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.